I completed the draft for my second essay and I am pretty confident in it. I didn't just get to a point where I just stopped, I finished the entire essay which will benefit me in the revision process. Incorporating research into my essay was the most difficult part because I'm doing option 3. However I did do it, so I am quite proud of myself. I think this essay will be better than my first because I felt more comfortable in persuasion and argumentation as we have worked on it in class for the past couple of weeks. The only thing I didn't do was the bibliography which I will be doing for the second revision process.
For the revision process I want my reviewers to focus more on my presentation of the evidence and research. I have noticed that from my first essay I have trouble organizing facts so that is the aspect I want my reviewers to focus most on. I also want my reviewers to see I have enough evidence to "expose" my claim. Remember, this essay is not proving that something exists. I know that it exists I just want to expose it. Option 3 is about extending the conversation not proving something.
I thought you presented your evidence really well. In your second paragraph I think it would be better if there was a concluding sentence that leads to the next paragraph instead of just a quote at the end. this way you can explain to your readers why the quote is important. Overall I thought it was really good :)
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the same thing when I was writing my essay, but I didn't know if I should have changed it or not. I will now though, thanks! :)
ReplyDeleteI liked your essay-- it was very scientific and the evidence was certainly represented. The 4th and 5th paragraphs were a little awkward for me (and I think they're what made your paper so long!). The information was certainly very interesting, but I feel like you might have lost your flow as well as the overall point you are trying to make. These two paragraphs didn't seem focused on the subject of the use of blogs in the classroom, it was more an analysis of identity through blogs (again, interesting, but not your point). If you really want to include that info, I would suggest compacting it somehow. Also, your last paragraph was very sudden and unexpected, especially as it was so personal after such a technical essay. Another thing I noticed was some vocab confusion, such as the use of "qualms" on page two, and "resort" on page five. Otherwise, great job, and very fascinating! :]
ReplyDeleteVERY helpful advice Emily, thanks! I agree with everything you said and now begins the difficult process of changing it LOL.
ReplyDeleteGlad it was helpful! I know I'm far behind on my own essay but I will be able to email it to you tomorrow if you still wish to review it. Professor Thompson is aware that my essay was late, so you shouldn't be docked any points for a late review. Good luck revising!
ReplyDeleteI thought your essay was very insightful. I can see that you spent alot of time on the research for the writing. Your paper mixes the information quoted from other scholars and your own opinions very well. I think you were able to enter the converstation. I did get lost a bit when you started talking about the subdivision of the 4 aspects at first but then caught on later. But I think it was caused due to the length of the paragraphs in the paper, I think it would be benefital to maybe adjust the length of the paragraphs by either breaking them up or another method. But all in all it was a very well wriiten essay!
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